Tag Archives: Satan

Satan to Pat Robertson

From the StarTribune in Minneapolis-St. Paul:

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I’m all over that action.

But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I’m no welsher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished.  Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth — glamor, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven’t you seen “Crossroads”? Or “Damn Yankees”?

If I had a thing going with Haiti, there’d be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox — that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it — I’m just saying: Not how I roll.

You’re doing great work, Pat, and I don’t want to clip your wings — just, come on, you’re making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That’s working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best,

Satan

6 Comments

Filed under hate groups, newspapers, Radical Rightwing groups, Republicans, Wingnuts!

GOD Explains Things to Fred Phelps on Judgement Day

This is a scenario from the near future when Fred Phelps dies and meets his maker.  As in turns out, on that fateful day, St. Peter has some well deserved time off and it is up to GOD HIMSELF to mind the Heaven Shop when Fred arrives.

GOD:  WELL, GREETINGS REVEREND PHELPS, I’VE BEEN WAITING  FOR THIS FINE DAY. [As you will note, God talks loudly and in all capital letters.]

Phelps:  God, I am glad to be here after a long life of doing your work on earth…

GOD:  ACTUALLY, I’VE BEEN WANTING TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT “YOUR WORK”.  YOU SEE, FRED, YOU AND I HAVE A FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCE OF OPINION ABOUT “YOUR WORK.”  I SEE “YOUR WORK” AS HARASSING MEMBERS OF MY FLOCK DUE TO YOUR EXCESSIVE HATE AND MISPLACED SENSE OF PURPOSE.

A REVIEW FOR YOU FRED:  I AM GOD.  I AM PERFECT.  I MADE ALL OF MAN & WOMANKIND IN MY IMAGE.  THIS WILL COME AS A SURPRISE FOR YOU, FRED, BUT I’VE HAD HOMOEROTIC FEELINGS AND BECAUSE OF THAT I DEDICATED PART OF MY CREATION TO EXPRESSING THESE FEELINGS IN THE RAINBOW PORTION OF MY WORK.  I KNOW YOU ARE AN ATTORNEY IN ADDITION TO BEING A MINISTER,  BUT, FRED,  YOU ARE NOT QUALIFIED TO JUDGE MY PERFECT CREATIONS.

Continue reading

26 Comments

Filed under Cheney, Creativity, Kansas, Kansas History, Life Lessons, Marriage Equality, Original writings