Tag Archives: Humor
Well, at long last, the Republican Party of No! has delivered their master plan to fix all that ails America. The newly minted “Pledge to America” (not to be confused with the Contract on America) promises that all will be okay if we just elect a majority from the GOP.
The Republicans, after exhaustive research, have determined that our problems are all the fault of the Democrats. Taxes are too high (despite being the lowest that they have been in over fifty years) and spending is too high, also. The solutions are simple – make the Bush tax cuts permanent and freeze spending at 2008 levels.
Now, Republicans and Tea Baggers have been telling us for two years now that debt and deficits are the reasons for the Great Recession, so you would expect that their plan takes a huge bite out of spending and deficits.
If you did, you would be wrong. The grand plan from the Republicans would save an astounding $100 billion per year, before the tax cuts kicked in. Taking the tax program into consideration continues annual deficits for the foreseeable future and adds nearly $4 trillion to the debt over the next decade.
The Republicans should be congratulated – in two years they have taken a scalpel to the budget and come up with areas to be cut totaling $100 billion. Of course, they can’t tell us where they are going to cut, but we should trust them, right? After all, they did a bang up job the last time around.
The GOP has assured us that they will not be cutting Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, defense or veterans benefits. They are going to freeze Congressional expenses. Great!
The GOP also plans to save America by repealing HCR and replace it with something that they have yet to develop. Whatever it is, you can be assured that it is going to be as good as all their other great plans they have come up with over the years.
So, breathe easy, it’s all okay now, the Republicans will soon be in charge once again. So far, they haven’t announced any plans to start a war with anyone that isn’t a threat to the US, but they have plenty of time to drum up a case for going to war with Iran.
Don’t you feel better now?
William Stephenson Clark
Everybody knows that Barack Muhammad Obama was actually born on the planet Sneezit, in the Galaxy of Ahhhhhh-Chooooooooo!
Why is there any question? Anyone that is from any planet other than Earth can see that at first glance. Even “indoctrinated” Earthlings can recognize the obvious signs of alien birth.
Let’s look at the signs:
Obama has no Earthly living parents.
His “grandmother” mysteriously died moments before the Election.
Ha-wau-eee was once a moon of Sneezit.
His “Birth Certificate” was forged by Bill Ayers and Bernadette Dohrn.
No one had ever seen Barack Obama before 2004.
Barack Obama changes clothes in phone booths.
No one has ever seen Obama pee!
Michelle has a birth certificate from the planet Cough.
Sasha and Malia were born on the planet Sniffles.
And look at the EARS! (They receive radio signals from space.)
There is more. When Obama plays basketball (a game invented on the planet Sniffles) he can dunk like Jordan, block out like Wilt and pass like Magic. Recently, while playing a pick up game, he drove the lane against Dwight Howard, spun in mid-air and slammed home a two handed tomahawk that shattered the backboard.
Mortal? I think not.
But there is more. Did you all think that George WMD Bush was a product of HW and Barbara? Come on!
Harry Reid? Planet Incompetua.
John Bohner? Planet Tansekan.
Sharron Angle? Planet Bagidiotica.
Bill Clinton? The Galaxy Bluedresscia.
Rush Limbaugh? Planet (Triple) Cheeseburger.
Glen Beck? Thrown out of the Galaxy, too weird for even aliens.
Damn, can’t you Earthlings get it? We aliens have taken over and you folks just think that you have a few doofuses running around.
Sham-Wow!? Invented on Planet Kleenex by Vince Offer.
Spangles? Sent by the evil rulers of Planet Renee.
Billy Mays? From the Galaxy Infomercialia.
Jan Brewer? Planet Leatherfacia.
Lindsay Lohan? She’s all yours.
Halle Berry? She’s all mine, as soon as the restraining order expires.
Just look at the evidence. It’s all there if you would just open your eyes.
And George WMD Bush?
Born on Planet Awolski, in the Galaxy Cokenosian.
William Stephenson Clark, aka, Will of Satiria
Well, the “other” Lindsey is much more newsworthy, but we get a constant diet of Lindsay Lohan in the media. Lindsey Graham will have an impact on our lives, through his work in the Senate.
Lindsey Lohan is a circus sideshow.
For those of you that have managed to to be hiding in a safe cave for the last several weeks, Lindsay Lohan was just sentenced to 90 days in jail for probation violations. Poor Lindsay broke down in tears and showed us her hand-painted nails, complete with “Fuck You” stenciled on the middle fingers of both hands.
My heart breaks for her!
We have also learned in recent days, that Jake has been withholding sex from Vienna, who ever the Hell they are. We also know that Justin Bieber wants to remain “pure.”
So what? Why should we care?
Jessica Simpson has a new (married) boyfriend and rumor has it that the “Jessica Simpson’s Ass” factor played into the relationship.
So what? Why should we care?
Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) is one of the few Republicans willing to buck the Tea Party and actually work with Democrats to improve the country. Yet, somehow it is important to Americans that Lindsay Lohan, spoiled brat of Hollywood, is going to have to spend a few days in jail.
As Americans, have we been reduced to headlines in “People” and “Us” magazines?
Now, it is been confirmed that I am officially an old SOB. I don’t pay much attention to “celebrity news” or the latest gossip headlines. Who the Hell cares if Jon Gosselin is going to write a book? Do you think it will sell as well as “A Tale of Two Cities?”
So what? Why should we care?
Americans have much more important things to think about such as, now that LeBron has announced that he will sign with Miami, (dumb ass) how is that going to effect the orbital path of the Earth?
William Stephenson Clark
Okay, that’s not quite as good as “Brady back to pass, finds Moss in the end zone, touchdown!”
Dang, it’s not even as good as “Lidstrom, takes a pass from Datsyuk. He shoots, he scores!!!!!”
Sometimes, this is even better – “Couch needs to pick up this spare for the victory….”
Americans just haven’t warmed up to the rest of the world’s favorite spectator sport. There is a great possibility that 95 out of a 100 of us couldn’t even tell you how many players are on a side (eleven including the goalkeeper) or how long a match is (two 45 minute halves.)
And what’s with the name? In the US, it is called “soccer” but most of the rest of the world calls it “football.” To complicate matters, the Australians call it football, but their national team is the “Socceroos.”
Aside from David Beckham, who’s married to Foot Spice or some such, most Americans couldn’t even name a single soccer player. Who do these guys play for:
(Answers at the end of the column.)
So, have any of you watched any World Cup action yet, or have the vuvuzela horns kept you away? For those of you that don’t know, the World Cup is the single largest sporting event in the world and the championship of soccer, featuring 32 national teams and is currently being held in South Africa.
Nelson Mandela was scheduled to attend, but did not after the death of his great-granddaughter in a car crash the night before the opening ceremonies. She was two days past her thirteenth birthday.
Apparently, soccer is just too boring for Americans. Truthfully, that is just too bad, also, since it is a beautiful game played by elite athletes.
Maybe, one day America will join the rest of the world in appreciation of “football.”
But, probably not.
William Stephenson Clark
(Donovan – USA, Lima – Brazil, Ronaldo – Portugal, Zidane – France, Podolski – Germany.)
(Suh is the first round draft choice of the Detroit Lions, out of Nebraska. He is 6’4″ and 307# and is considered to be one of the best ever defensive ends coming out of college. His father, Michael Suh, played soccer for Cameroon before immigrating to the US.)
It seemed so funny to me
Laugh, laugh you met a guy who taught you how it feels to be
Lonely, oh so lonely”
There is enough going on in this crazy world we live in that makes you just want to cry. Today is Monday and the beginning of the work week for many of you and all the stress that entails. I look in the mirror every morning and see the jawline is sagging a bit more and the silver has pretty much taken over the pelt that grows on top of my head. And then, there are the “laugh lines.”
So, rather than start off the week with a rehash of the troubles of the world, what makes you laugh?
No, I’m not talking about stuff that makes you chuckle. I’m talking about what makes you bust a gut, laugh till you cry, and makes you start all over again hours later when you think about it.
Anyone that has been around me for more than five minutes knows that I am an incurable and unrepentant smart ass, and that I am as likely to zap myself as I am to zing someone else. It has taken me fifty-eight years to hone this finely tuned, but warped, sense of humor and I won’t give it up easily.
I think Lewis Black is hilarious. I loved Richard Pryor. Some of Robin Williams’ stand up is insanely funny. Some YouTube clips are fall on the floor hilarious.
And my dogs and cats keep me in stitches on a daily basis.
This morning, my newly world famous dog, Cookie, was rolling on her back on the floor, barking. What up with that, Cook?
So, lest we all drown in a pool of our own tears after reading the morning news, share with us the laughs that help to keep you sane (or something resembling sanity.)
William Stephenson Clark
We’ve all done it – opened mouth and inserted foot. Joe Barton may have actually taken it to another level by apologizing to BP because President Obama wasn’t nice to them, but he’s not the first, and won’t be the last.
“Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot.”
Politicians probably get the most flak for verbal gaffes. George W Bush is so famous for his that malapropisms are now know as Bushisms. Bush was bad, Dan Quayle wasn’t far behind.
“One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Vice President, and that one word is ‘to be prepared.'”
Even the most solemn and straitlaced have their problems, too.
“The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.'”
Gerald Ford was known for more than just tripping and falling down.
“I love sports. Whenever I can, I always watch the Detroit Tigers on the radio.”
When writing a resume, one needs to be particularly careful to avoid gaffes, blunders and general stupidity.
“Education: College, August 1880 – May 1984.”
Sometimes you wonder, just what the Hell were they thinking?
“Ears pierced while you wait.” – “Idaho Pot / 10 Lb. Bag / $1.49”
Old Joe doesn’t have the market cornered on dumb political remarks.
“It is indeed fitting that we gather here today to pay tribute to Abraham Lincoln, who was born in a log cabin that he built with his own hands.”
Some gaffes come way too close to the truth.
“Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required.”
“Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.”
The lawyers got involved and now labels can be the worst of gaffes.
“Do not use orally.” — On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.
“Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage.” — On a portable stroller.
“Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems.” — On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets.
“May be harmful if swallowed.” — On a shipment of hammers.
Now, personally, I am unlikely to be guilty of a verbal gaffe as long as my mouth is shut. My written cases of Foot in Mouth Disease, on the other hand, are legend…………………………..
By the way, I’ll be leaving for Idaho shortly.
William Stephenson Clark
Question from the editor; Dear PrariePops, I no longer drink and haven’t for a dozen years. I know, that’s damned unamerican. My question; Since I don’t drink, but I do own 2 guns, can I still be considered a patriotic American?
“The only difference between men and boys is the size of their shoes and the price of their toys.” – Anonymous.
The world has been a bit crazy of late. Wars, famine, destruction, earthquakes and oil gushing in the Gulf. In North Korea, we have a deranged midget rattlin’ sabers and in Iran, another midget that is just a doofus. Right here at home, Tea Baggers are runnin’ ’round acting like they are the only true patriots, and we have a bunch of political critters that have obviously missed their “grown up” pills for quite some time.
“I still believe in Hope – mostly because there’s no such place as Fingers Crossed, Arkansas.” – Molly Ivins.
The above doesn’t add anything to the story, I just like Molly Ivins.
So, rather than discuss the weighty issues of the world today, let’s just have some fun and talk about a subject near and dear to me – toys.
The opening quote of this column is a commentary on men, but the same applies to women, as well. Don’t try to kid yourself.
Feel free to talk about shoes if that is the subject near and dear to you!
Well, for me, I wear a size nine and I have expensive tastes in toys. As I bang this column out, I am surrounded by mega-bucks worth of photographic gear in my office. I pretend that I am going to make a good living with it one of these days, but that doesn’t explain why I periodically just pick up my camera and hold it, stroking my hands over it like it was a magic lamp and a genie is going to pop out and grant me three wishes.
In the past, my toys were quite expensive and slightly dangerous – Harley Davidson motorcycles. You can’t just “buy” a Harley. Once you own one, you have to spend beau coup bucks for chrome doodads, performance parts, custom paint and all that.
So, my demented blogging friends, what are your toys and why?
One more for the road………………………………..
“In Texas, we do not hold high expectations for the [governor’s] office; it’s mostly been occupied by crooks, dorks and the comatose.” – Molly Ivins.
Some of the time, I wonder about the really important things in life, like the origins of the universe, the future of mankind and why my dogs have to go outside with me whenever I go.
Then, sometimes I wonder about the little things in life, like why did God or the Flying Spaghetti Monster or evolution or cosmic forces come up with some really dumb stuff.
Now, most of the time I wear clothes in public to keep warm, so why do need hair on my back? What is the purpose for nose hair and why does it grow so fast? Why, if I shave my face, my beard will grow back, but if I have a tooth pulled, it won’t? Why do I have an appendix?
The animal kingdom is even more perplexing. Now, I realize that much of the animal existence is part of the natural food chain. How humans fit into that, I don’t know, since only a few of us manage to get munched by a shark or grizzle bear each year.
But where do fleas fit in on the food chain? There are no gourmet flea restaurants for species that feast on fleas, so why are they here? Flies are supposed to be a staple of frogs’ diets, so why aren’t there herds of frogs at the city dump?
What are the little things in life that you wonder about? Pretty much everyone wonders how George W Bush managed to serve two terms as president, but some of us also wonder what went wrong with an evolutionary process that gave us the platypus.
From the warped mind of William Stephenson Clark.
We’ve all heard Betty White is going to host Saturday Night Live on May 8th, a pre-Mother’s Day episode also featuring appearances from six “SNL” alumnae. Here’s a bit of her humor to get you primed and looking forward to seeing more of her! 🙂