Scene: Oval Office
President meets with advisers . . . .
Obama: “Okay, folks, you know the plan; I don’t want a second term. I want to be the 21st Century’s Jimmy Carter. How do I do that?”
Rahm Emanuel: “First, insult your base, you know the little people that pounded the pavement and raised money and sent in their own pennies for you last time, based on your soaring rhetoric of hope and change. Call them F*****G RETARDS, for instance, tell them they are DIRTY HIPPIES who need to be DRUG TESTED. Don’t be content to simply hang them out to dry on broken campaign promises . . . actively DEMEAN THEM for being the suckers that supported you.
“If a typical American gets a chance to complain that your policies are hurting her, BLAME THE VICTIM by saying something like ‘you just have to buck-up.’ You remember how Carter’s chastizing-Americans-for-their-malaise speech did wonders for sinking his campaign.”
David Plouffe: “Next, surround yourself with exactly the same folks that caused the job loss and economic meltdowns that got you elected . . . in fact, re-hire the same people BUSH DID like Robert Gates, Tim Geithner, and Gen. Petraus, because nothing breeds failure like a past history of failure.
“Bail out the big banks that sunk the economy and put homeowner’s mortgages into default and stunk up everybody’s 401K’s. Do nothing for the victims of the rapacious fat-cats.”
Austan Goolsbee: “Repudiate all your campaign promises, especially if those promises would benefit the broad working class. For instance, the Union Card Check Act that you prominently and proudly supported during the campaign? Seem to forget it, but mention it on Labor Day to remind folks of how you sold them out.
“When the radical right-wing comes at you hammer-and-tongs, give them MORE than what they demand so that the American people can see what a great Compromiser you are. Nothing says WEAKNESS to Americans than having no core values that you must defend. Think of all the great Compromisers in history–Franklin Pierce, Neville Chamberlain, Herbert Hoover–they are all now widely reviled.”
Pete Rouse: “When the Republicans show what vile horrible jerks they are like wanting to cut Grandma’s Social Security so Halliburton can get another no-bid contract, do not call them out on that. Stand up and give a policy speech in which you sound exactly like they do, Social Security must be cut . . . but call it ‘reform’ so that people will also be insulted that you think you can fool them by calling a cut ‘reform.'”
“Also, pay attention to the polls . . . find out what the majority want and do the opposite. For instance, if they want to raise taxes on the rich, agree to never raise taxes on the rich. If they want out of ten-year wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, not only keep them going, but start a new war in Libya.”
Obama: “Thanks, guys, I think I’ve got it. Following your plan, there’s no way I can win in 2012. I just hope the Republicans don’t run Michelle Bachmann against me, or I might not be able to lose . . . “