Yes, it’s the ONION, but really, it was spelled out clearly from the beginning: “I guess I figured I’d left no real room for confusion after putting it in a four-word sentence with one-syllable words, on the tablets I gave to Moses. How much more clear can I get?”
Oh, and he addresses some other items that have been misconstrued along the way too!
Worse yet, many of the worst violators claim that their actions are justified by passages in the Bible, Torah, and Qur’an.
“To be honest, there’s some contradictory stuff in there, okay?” God said. “So I can see how it could be pretty misleading. I admit it—My bad. I did My best to inspire them, but a lot of imperfect human agents have misinterpreted My message over the millennia. Frankly, much of the material that got in there is dogmatic, doctrinal bullshit. I turn My head for a second and, suddenly, all this stuff about homosexuality gets into Leviticus, and everybody thinks it’s God’s will to kill gays. It absolutely drives Me up the wall.”
God praised the overwhelming majority of His Muslim followers as “wonderful, pious people,” calling the perpetrators of the Sept. 11 attacks rare exceptions.
“This whole medieval concept of the jihad, or holy war, had all but vanished from the Muslim world in, like, the 10th century, and with good reason,” God said. “There’s no such thing as a holy war, only unholy ones. The vast majority of Muslims in this world reject the murderous actions of these radical extremists, just like the vast majority of Christians in America are pissed off over those two bigots on The 700 Club.”
God stressed that His remarks were not directed exclusively at Islamic extremists, but rather at anyone whose ideological zealotry overrides his or her ability to comprehend the core message of all world religions.
“I don’t care what faith you are, everybody’s been making this same mistake since the dawn of time,” God said. “The Muslims massacre the Hindus, the Hindus massacre the Muslims. The Buddhists, everybody massacres the Buddhists. The Jews, don’t even get me started on the hardline, right-wing, Meir Kahane-loving Israeli nationalists, man. And the Christians? You people believe in a Messiah who says, ‘Turn the other cheek,’ but you’ve been killing everybody you can get your hands on since the Crusades.”
Growing increasingly wrathful, God continued: “Can’t you people see? What are you, morons? There are a ton of different religious traditions out there, and different cultures worship Me in different ways. But the basic message is always the same: Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Shintoism… every religious belief system under the sun, they all say you’re supposed to love your neighbors, folks! It’s not that hard a concept to grasp.”
“Why would you think I’d want anything else? Humans don’t need religion or God as an excuse to kill each other—you’ve been doing that without any help from Me since you were freaking apes!” God said. “The whole point of believing in God is to have a higher standard of behavior. How obvious can you get?”
“I’m talking to all of you, here!” continued God, His voice rising to a shout. “Do you hear Me? I don’t want you to kill anybody. I’m against it, across the board. How many times do I have to say it? Don’t kill each other anymore—ever! I’m fucking serious!”
Upon completing His outburst, God fell silent, standing quietly at the podium for several moments. Then, witnesses reported, God’s shoulders began to shake, and He wept.
Sorry to be sad while we’re laughing at the Sunday funnies here. But… reading the story about Winfield this morning made me miss Iggy all over again. He LOVED the Winfield festival. He was such a music man.
I wonder if we will ever stop missing him so much?
Labor Day weekend was a difficult time for me. He organized a cookout here at my house for that weekend one year ago… Someplace here on the blog are some pictures from that time. The memories wouldn’t quit. If we’re gonna stop missing him, it’s gonna be down the road it seems…
“When the president visits a toss-up race in a congressional district, his candidate goes on to win the election about 50 percent of the time; when the president sits out a toss-up race, his party’s candidate wins just 35 percent of the time.
The improvement has to do with the so-called enthusiasm gap. The dire predictions for the Democrats in November don’t necessarily assume a defection of voters from the Democratic Party to the GOP. Rather, Republican voters, riled up by being out of power, are more likely to turn out in the midterms; Democrats, resting on their laurels after the 2008 landslide, are much more likely to sit this one out.”
As usual – this election is for the Democrats to lose – rather than the Republicans to win.
I still believe if Obama would go in and kick some GOPPER butt and stand up for the average American and gays/lesbians like he said he would do – I think his approval ratings would go through the roof.
There are alot of moderate Republicans who are not exactly thrilled at the prospect of any of their Radical Righties to get into power. Because they know that somewhere down the line, the shit will hit the fan and there will be such a backlash against anyone or anything that resembles the GOP.
People don’t like being trampled over and that Radical Rightie Elephant has been trampling for ever since Reagan invited them to the circus.
I read on the WE website about that Spirit One preacher – Mark Holick (sp?) – that was out protesting the Islamic Center up near my neck of the woods (off Woodlawn and 34th St North.
It seems this particular preacher got himself arrested two weeks ago for something else.
But he and his group were out protesting with their signs about how Islam is of the Devil- yada , yada and more nonsense yada.
Exactly who do these so-called Christians think they are swaying to be on ‘their side’? This is the same preacher that put out that sign in front of his Spirit One Church about the Muslim president we have now when Obama won the election.
I have no problem with freedom of speech but where does it say in the Constitution that people have the right to ‘harass’ someone simply because of their religious beliefs?
Bigots and terrorists come in all sizes, shapes, colors and irrational thinking.
But seriously folks, I am getting very sick and tired of seeing all these nutjobs making headlines in Kansas. My God, we’ve got the Phelps Klan – isn’t that more than our share of the nutjobs?
I’m assuming that’s the Islamic Center that can be seen from K-96. I’ve been by there hundreds of times, taking my daughter to work. It’s very pretty, and I always feel proud when I drive by that we allow all kinds of religions in this country.
So what did ol’ Mark get arrested for two weeks ago? Was he in that massage parlor/prostitution sting? 😉
PrairiePopulistsAndProgressives.net 
Yes, it’s the ONION, but really, it was spelled out clearly from the beginning: “I guess I figured I’d left no real room for confusion after putting it in a four-word sentence with one-syllable words, on the tablets I gave to Moses. How much more clear can I get?”
Oh, and he addresses some other items that have been misconstrued along the way too!
Worse yet, many of the worst violators claim that their actions are justified by passages in the Bible, Torah, and Qur’an.
“To be honest, there’s some contradictory stuff in there, okay?” God said. “So I can see how it could be pretty misleading. I admit it—My bad. I did My best to inspire them, but a lot of imperfect human agents have misinterpreted My message over the millennia. Frankly, much of the material that got in there is dogmatic, doctrinal bullshit. I turn My head for a second and, suddenly, all this stuff about homosexuality gets into Leviticus, and everybody thinks it’s God’s will to kill gays. It absolutely drives Me up the wall.”
God praised the overwhelming majority of His Muslim followers as “wonderful, pious people,” calling the perpetrators of the Sept. 11 attacks rare exceptions.
“This whole medieval concept of the jihad, or holy war, had all but vanished from the Muslim world in, like, the 10th century, and with good reason,” God said. “There’s no such thing as a holy war, only unholy ones. The vast majority of Muslims in this world reject the murderous actions of these radical extremists, just like the vast majority of Christians in America are pissed off over those two bigots on The 700 Club.”
God stressed that His remarks were not directed exclusively at Islamic extremists, but rather at anyone whose ideological zealotry overrides his or her ability to comprehend the core message of all world religions.
“I don’t care what faith you are, everybody’s been making this same mistake since the dawn of time,” God said. “The Muslims massacre the Hindus, the Hindus massacre the Muslims. The Buddhists, everybody massacres the Buddhists. The Jews, don’t even get me started on the hardline, right-wing, Meir Kahane-loving Israeli nationalists, man. And the Christians? You people believe in a Messiah who says, ‘Turn the other cheek,’ but you’ve been killing everybody you can get your hands on since the Crusades.”
Growing increasingly wrathful, God continued: “Can’t you people see? What are you, morons? There are a ton of different religious traditions out there, and different cultures worship Me in different ways. But the basic message is always the same: Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Shintoism… every religious belief system under the sun, they all say you’re supposed to love your neighbors, folks! It’s not that hard a concept to grasp.”
“Why would you think I’d want anything else? Humans don’t need religion or God as an excuse to kill each other—you’ve been doing that without any help from Me since you were freaking apes!” God said. “The whole point of believing in God is to have a higher standard of behavior. How obvious can you get?”
“I’m talking to all of you, here!” continued God, His voice rising to a shout. “Do you hear Me? I don’t want you to kill anybody. I’m against it, across the board. How many times do I have to say it? Don’t kill each other anymore—ever! I’m fucking serious!”
Upon completing His outburst, God fell silent, standing quietly at the podium for several moments. Then, witnesses reported, God’s shoulders began to shake, and He wept.
In its entirety:
God Angrily Clarifies ‘Don’t Kill’ Rule
Powerful!
“…just like the vast majority of Christians in America are pissed off over those two bigots on The 700 Club.”
And then there’s that family in Kansas…
This one made me giggle quietly this morning.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100912/ap_on_el_se/us_delaware_senate
I do believe Republicans would ingest each other.
If only it was this easy. More from the Onion.
Department Of Interior To Clean Nation’s Filter
http://www.theonion.com/articles/department-of-interior-to-clean-nations-filter,18031/
Once you get started over at the ONION, it’s hard to quit. 😉
Yes, and thank you for sending me there. I needed a chuckle. 🙂
Sorry to be sad while we’re laughing at the Sunday funnies here. But… reading the story about Winfield this morning made me miss Iggy all over again. He LOVED the Winfield festival. He was such a music man.
I wonder if we will ever stop missing him so much?
Labor Day weekend was a difficult time for me. He organized a cookout here at my house for that weekend one year ago… Someplace here on the blog are some pictures from that time. The memories wouldn’t quit. If we’re gonna stop missing him, it’s gonna be down the road it seems…
I think other countries “Got Talent” competitions are more fun than America’s contest! 🙂
Sweden got talent – Naked guys dancing
Interesting observation in this op-ed piece.
“When the president visits a toss-up race in a congressional district, his candidate goes on to win the election about 50 percent of the time; when the president sits out a toss-up race, his party’s candidate wins just 35 percent of the time.
The improvement has to do with the so-called enthusiasm gap. The dire predictions for the Democrats in November don’t necessarily assume a defection of voters from the Democratic Party to the GOP. Rather, Republican voters, riled up by being out of power, are more likely to turn out in the midterms; Democrats, resting on their laurels after the 2008 landslide, are much more likely to sit this one out.”
The Democrats Can Win the House
As usual – this election is for the Democrats to lose – rather than the Republicans to win.
I still believe if Obama would go in and kick some GOPPER butt and stand up for the average American and gays/lesbians like he said he would do – I think his approval ratings would go through the roof.
There are alot of moderate Republicans who are not exactly thrilled at the prospect of any of their Radical Righties to get into power. Because they know that somewhere down the line, the shit will hit the fan and there will be such a backlash against anyone or anything that resembles the GOP.
People don’t like being trampled over and that Radical Rightie Elephant has been trampling for ever since Reagan invited them to the circus.
I read on the WE website about that Spirit One preacher – Mark Holick (sp?) – that was out protesting the Islamic Center up near my neck of the woods (off Woodlawn and 34th St North.
It seems this particular preacher got himself arrested two weeks ago for something else.
But he and his group were out protesting with their signs about how Islam is of the Devil- yada , yada and more nonsense yada.
Exactly who do these so-called Christians think they are swaying to be on ‘their side’? This is the same preacher that put out that sign in front of his Spirit One Church about the Muslim president we have now when Obama won the election.
I have no problem with freedom of speech but where does it say in the Constitution that people have the right to ‘harass’ someone simply because of their religious beliefs?
Bigots and terrorists come in all sizes, shapes, colors and irrational thinking.
But seriously folks, I am getting very sick and tired of seeing all these nutjobs making headlines in Kansas. My God, we’ve got the Phelps Klan – isn’t that more than our share of the nutjobs?
I’m assuming that’s the Islamic Center that can be seen from K-96. I’ve been by there hundreds of times, taking my daughter to work. It’s very pretty, and I always feel proud when I drive by that we allow all kinds of religions in this country.
So what did ol’ Mark get arrested for two weeks ago? Was he in that massage parlor/prostitution sting? 😉