( this is part of a short I have been working on. Still dressing up and rewriting, combing the hair on and the like)
Mary Ann walked from the bathroom into her bedroom, her shower and a cursory applying of makeup done. She had brushed her hair and was pleased with its style, though it might be time for a new one maybe a little shorter?
She stood at the foot of the bed then announced out loud ….. “I am a Lesbian!” There she had said it; the outburst was a realization, recognition, and an affirmation! Words that had been whirling in her head for years but never allowed to be expressed.
She had a date tonight, a real date with an advance call asking if she would like to go out. Planned and thought about, before it was always the happenstance meeting at a club. Encountering another woman, a conversation would start and it would begin. The awkward dance around, looking for clues and interest. Talking is a sign of interest, but women talk anyway. But unlike when a man and a woman talk, a woman just suddenly talk to another woman does not mean she wants anything sexual. In fact quite the opposite, women talking to each other is safe. A woman talking to a man is often taken by the man that she is expressing she want to strip him naked and throw him on the floor. The mating rituals, smile, talk and then go. But talking to another woman is more like a sister -ship, they have an understand that a man could not. Some of the same experiences that only another woman would have. And women like to talk while few men truly do want to at least not in great detail.
So the simple fact a woman talked to another woman is not a sign of interest. Besides Mary Ann in the back of her mind always wanted a level of deniability. She was not there looking for another woman to have sex with, it just happens every so often! Never wanting to be too forward on the chance she had misread a clue or interest in talking to her. Fighting the awkward impulses, taking moving closer as a sign of interest but it may have been the woman was simply moving so someone else could pass. She listened for those hints of interest, never sure exactly what the hint would be. But all the time she kept telling herself that was not what she wanted. But the reality was it always seemed more natural to her to be with another woman then a man.
Mary Ann noticed her reflection in the full length mirror hanging on the closet door. She let the towel drop off her body and then turned slowly inspecting herself. She stopped facing forward, finally pulling her shoulders backward. But it was not having the desired effect so one hand raised and slightly lifted her right breast. Then she let it fall back into it natural place frowning, thinking to herself “I am not getting old and saggy am I?”. Then she turned enough to see her butt, again she frowned as she wished she had a better looking butt. Vanity can effect anyone no matter their sexual preference, Mary Ann just hoped this woman would like what she was seeing.
She had never met Ruth, a friend of a friend had give Mary Ann’s number to Ruth. At first she did not know what to think? A strange woman calling and engaging in light conversation till finally saying she would like to meet. And the date was made, a formal thing and something that cause Mary Ann to recognize a truth she had denied mainly to herself.
She had similar calls from guys before…..
Mary Ann had been with a man; it often made her blush to think of the why. But it was never attraction really, more like a scientific experiment. The first time she both had sex with a boy and had a realization she was attracted to another woman. Happened about the same time, first came the attraction to a woman.
Sixteen and in high school gym class, she had seen other girls naked before. Since coming to High school out of Middle school the every other day practice of gym class had became routine. Go to the locker room, everyone would strip down from street clothes to put on their gym clothes. Go to the gym floor, Do whatever game or exercise then back to the locker room and shower then put back on street clothes. Before the only real interest she had about another girl naked had been the difference in development. Their boob size, some large and other seemed to have not grown any. Boobs size more then a first period was the measure of becoming a woman. It was the most outward sign of the change and seem to get a girl better treatment.
Boys no long were as mean, but the attention Mary Ann got from boys once her breasts developed was uncomfortable to her, she stopped being a human being to them? They stopped looking into her face and eyes when they spoke to her. They seem to be speaking to the mounds on her chest, there was nothing to be flattered about or make her feel they care for who she was.
There were also those times when the “bumps” would happen, elbows and sometimes hands would come in contact with her boobs. Developing breasts are tender at times and the slightest contact seem to be intensify pain. An elbow to the arm can hurt but did not seem to last long. But to the boobs the pain could last for minutes and actually throb. It was an awkward moment; the natural response was to grasp them which done in public brought laughter and accusation. “Hey look…. Mary Ann is playing with her boobies!”. The hands were a different matter; the quick grabbing was hard to believe it was an accident! Especially when it was not an open hand contact that seems to have just been a swinging arm. There was a real sense of intent, a violation of person. But the offender would be out of reach by the time the impulse to react came. “Boys are such pigs!” Was a common phrase among the girls of middle school and now high school.
The notice she had given to other girl’s naked form before was at time envy. A girl’s breasts having more shape and contour. A firm buttock with roundness and size or at least that was what she felt made her notice. Then the fateful day came; Peggy Hilton had gone in to shower. Mary Ann had hardly noticed her passing behind her, she was just one of many girls in the locker room dressing or undressing. Mary’s locker was almost directly in front of the shower room. As she sat on the hard wooden bench, Mary Ann heard a sudden squeal from the shower room. A girl squealing was annoying to her so she looked to the shower room to see what was happening. Peggy was at the first shower head, she rubbed a bar of soap over her thighs and the remains of soup bubbles hung over her breasts. Mary Ann was transfixed, she sat there staring then after what seemed hours though it could not have been more then thirty seconds. Mary Ann came back to reality, she was setting there staring at a naked girl! And there was an odd hunger deep inside her that suddenly made her feel very uncomfortable.
“OH MY GOD!”, she said to herself under her breath then looked about nervously. Hoping no one had noticed her staring at Peggy showering. What would they think and what would be said? “MARY ANN IS A FAG!”, but she was not! Was she? Why did she have this desire at seeing Peggy showering? The mixed feeling and questions were flooding her mind. And the fear level was heightened with the confusion she was feeling. She was not suppose to be attracted to a girl, it was boys who she was suppose to want to touch them and experience them. But suddenly she was questioning and noticing things.
No boy had even inspired her to stare with desire and that hunger deep within? Mary Ann could not remember it ever happening with a boy. That fact had never bothered her before she just thought it would happen whenever it would happen. The right boy would come along and nature would occur and she felt no need to hurry it. As thinking of boys did not cause her to think in that manner. But now that alarmed her! Could it be that she was just not attracted to boys?
“OH MY GOD AM I A FRUIT, FAG, A LES-BO AND A FREAK OF NATURE!”
Her mind was swirling and overloading with questions of confusion and actual fear! She fought back tears and thought what would they think if they saw her crying. But that is exactly what she felt like doing, now full of hurt and confusion.
It was the bell ringing and someone saying “Mary Ann are you going to get dressed?” that shook her out of the maelstrom of emotions and thoughts. It was then that she realized she was still setting on the bench in her bra and panties. Then she noticed something that causes her to panic; there was a wet spot on her panties at the crouch! Quickly she put the rest of her street clothes on and rushed out for her next class.
Mary Ann had not been out on a date yet, boys had asked but she had not been interested in spending time with them. But Bobby had asked at this critical time for Mary Ann, still reeling at the incident concerning Peggy and the shower. Still filled with fears and confusion, this was a way to prove to herself that she was not a freak of nature in her mind. She knew the movie was a sacrifice for Bobby, a chick flick not one of those action and adventure movies. In a way that did impress her that this boy had been willing to endure this movie which held no entertainment for him. Gee a boy can be thoughtful! When he asked again on Thursday she again agreed to another date. They ended up going on four dates by the end of the month, he was always a gentleman and the only intimate contacts was holding hands and from the second date a kiss good night.
The fourth date would end differently, he started to slip his hand up under her shirt then pause to see if there was an objection? Mary Ann was at the point of no return; she did feel like objecting but then was it because she was not attracted or because he is a he? She had to go through with it to see, how far depended on how she felt. After the hand touched her breast led to her shirt coming off and some kissing. It was not bad but the going farther was not because she was aroused. This was a scientific experiment for her and she thought there was only one way to know. Afterwards it was kind of miserable, both were virgins and neither actually knew much about what to do. She simply lay there not moving and he kept fumbling often slipping out then stabbing at her.