MARY ANN IS A LESBIAN

( this is part of a short I have been working on. Still dressing up and rewriting, combing the hair on and the like)

Mary Ann walked from the bathroom into her bedroom, her shower and a cursory applying of makeup done.  She had brushed her hair and was pleased with its style, though it might be time for a new one maybe a little shorter?

She stood at the foot of the bed then announced out loud ….. “I am a Lesbian!”  There she had said it; the outburst was a realization, recognition, and an affirmation!  Words that had been whirling in her head for years but never allowed to be expressed.

She had a date tonight, a real date with an advance call asking if she would like to go out.  Planned and thought about, before it was always the happenstance meeting at a club.  Encountering another woman, a conversation would start and it would begin.  The awkward dance around, looking for clues and interest.  Talking is a sign of interest, but women talk anyway.  But unlike when a man and a woman talk, a woman just suddenly talk to another woman does not mean she wants anything sexual. In fact quite the opposite, women talking to each other is safe.  A woman talking to a man is often taken by the man that she is expressing she want to strip him naked and throw him on the floor. The mating rituals, smile, talk and then go.  But talking to another woman is more like a sister -ship, they have an understand that a man could not.  Some of the same experiences that only another woman would have.  And women like to talk while few men truly do want to at least not in great detail.

So the simple fact a woman talked to another woman is not a sign of interest.  Besides Mary Ann in the back of her mind always wanted a level of deniability.  She was not there looking for another woman to have sex with, it just happens every so often!  Never wanting to be too forward on the chance she had misread a clue or interest in talking to her.  Fighting the awkward impulses, taking moving closer as a sign of interest but it may have been the woman was simply moving so someone else could pass.  She listened for those hints of interest, never sure exactly what the hint would be.  But all the time she kept telling herself that was not what she wanted.  But the reality was it always seemed more natural to her to be with another woman then a man.

****

Mary Ann noticed her reflection in the full length mirror hanging on the closet door.  She let the towel drop off her body and then turned slowly inspecting herself.  She stopped facing forward, finally pulling her shoulders backward.  But it was not having the desired effect so one hand raised and slightly lifted her right breast.  Then she let it fall back into it natural place frowning, thinking to herself “I am not getting old and saggy am I?”. Then she turned enough to see her butt, again she frowned as she wished she had a better looking butt. Vanity can effect anyone no matter their sexual preference, Mary Ann just hoped this woman would like what she was seeing.

She had never met Ruth, a friend of a friend had give Mary Ann’s number to Ruth. At first she did not know what to think?  A strange woman calling and engaging in light conversation till finally saying she would like to meet.  And the date was made, a formal thing and something that cause Mary Ann to recognize a truth she had denied mainly to herself.

She had similar calls from guys before…..

******

Mary Ann had been with a man; it often made her blush to think of the why.  But it was never attraction really, more like a scientific experiment.  The first time she both had sex with a boy and had a realization she was attracted to another woman.  Happened about the same time, first came the attraction to a woman.

Sixteen and in high school gym class, she had seen other girls naked before.  Since coming to High school out of Middle school the every other day practice of gym class had became routine. Go to the locker room, everyone would strip down from street clothes to put on their gym clothes.  Go to the gym floor, Do whatever game or exercise then back to the locker room and shower then put back on street clothes.  Before the only real interest she had about another girl naked had been the difference in development.  Their boob size, some large and other seemed to have not grown any.  Boobs size more then a first period was the measure of becoming a woman.  It was the most outward sign of the change and seem to get a girl better treatment.

Boys no long were as mean, but the attention Mary Ann got from boys once her breasts developed was uncomfortable to her, she stopped being a human being to them?  They stopped looking into her face and eyes when they spoke to her.  They seem to be speaking to the mounds on her chest, there was nothing to be flattered about or make her feel they care for who she was.

There were also those times when the “bumps” would happen, elbows and sometimes hands would come in contact with her boobs. Developing breasts are tender at times and the slightest contact seem to be intensify pain.  An elbow to the arm can hurt but did not seem to last long.  But to the boobs the pain could last for minutes and actually throb.  It was an awkward moment; the natural response was to grasp them which done in public brought laughter and accusation. “Hey look…. Mary Ann is playing with her boobies!”.  The hands were a different matter; the quick grabbing was hard to believe it was an accident!  Especially when it was not an open hand contact that seems to have just been a swinging arm.  There was a real sense of intent, a violation of person.  But the offender would be out of reach by the time the impulse to react came.  “Boys are such pigs!” Was a common phrase among the girls of middle school and now high school.

The notice she had given to other girl’s naked form before was at time envy. A girl’s breasts having more shape and contour. A firm buttock with roundness and size or at least that was what she felt made her notice.  Then the fateful day came; Peggy Hilton had gone in to shower.  Mary Ann had hardly noticed her passing behind her, she was just one of many girls in the locker room dressing or undressing.  Mary’s locker was almost directly in front of the shower room.  As she sat on the hard wooden bench, Mary Ann heard a sudden squeal from the shower room.  A girl squealing was annoying to her so she looked to the shower room to see what was happening.  Peggy was at the first shower head, she rubbed a bar of soap over her thighs and the remains of soup bubbles hung over her breasts. Mary Ann was transfixed, she sat there staring then after what seemed hours though it could not have been more then thirty seconds. Mary Ann came back to reality, she was setting there staring at a naked girl! And there was an odd hunger deep inside her that suddenly made her feel very uncomfortable.

“OH MY GOD!”, she said to herself under her breath then looked about nervously. Hoping no one had noticed her staring at Peggy showering. What would they think and what would be said?  “MARY ANN IS A FAG!”, but she was not! Was she?  Why did she have this desire at seeing Peggy showering? The mixed feeling and questions were flooding her mind. And the fear level was heightened with the confusion she was feeling.  She was not suppose to be attracted to a girl, it was boys who she was suppose to want to touch them and experience them. But suddenly she was questioning and noticing things.

No boy had even inspired her to stare with desire and that hunger deep within?  Mary Ann could not remember it ever happening with a boy.  That fact had never bothered her before she just thought it would happen whenever it would happen.  The right boy would come along and nature would occur and she felt no need to hurry it.  As thinking of boys did not cause her to think in that manner.  But now that alarmed her!  Could it be that she was just not attracted to boys?

“OH MY GOD AM I A FRUIT, FAG, A LES-BO AND A FREAK OF NATURE!”

Her mind was swirling and overloading with questions of confusion and actual fear!  She fought back tears and thought what would they think if they saw her crying.  But that is exactly what she felt like doing, now full of hurt and confusion.

It was the bell ringing and someone saying “Mary Ann are you going to get dressed?” that shook her out of the maelstrom of emotions and thoughts.  It was then that she realized she was still setting on the bench in her bra and panties.  Then she noticed something that causes her to panic; there was a wet spot on her panties at the crouch!  Quickly she put the rest of her street clothes on and rushed out for her next class.

*****

Mary Ann had not been out on a date yet, boys had asked but she had not been interested in spending time with them.  But Bobby had asked at this critical time for Mary Ann, still reeling at the incident concerning Peggy and the shower. Still filled with fears and confusion, this was a way to prove to herself that she was not a freak of nature in her mind.  She knew the movie was a sacrifice for Bobby, a chick flick not one of those action and adventure movies.  In a way that did impress her that this boy had been willing to endure this movie which held no entertainment for him. Gee a boy can be thoughtful!  When he asked again on Thursday she again agreed to another date.  They ended up going on four dates by the end of the month, he was always a gentleman and the only intimate contacts was holding hands and from the second date a kiss good night.

The fourth date would end differently, he started to slip his hand up under her shirt then pause to see if there was an objection?  Mary Ann was at the point of no return; she did feel like objecting but then was it because she was not attracted or because he is a he? She had to go through with it to see, how far depended on how she felt.  After the hand touched her breast led to her shirt coming off and some kissing.  It was not bad but the going farther was not because she was aroused.  This was a scientific experiment for her and she thought there was only one way to know.  Afterwards it was kind of miserable, both were virgins and neither actually knew much about what to do.  She simply lay there not moving and he kept fumbling often slipping out then stabbing at her.

***

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9 Comments

Filed under Original writings

9 responses to “MARY ANN IS A LESBIAN

  1. prairie pond

    That’s pretty good, tstb. At least I think it’s yours.

    A couple of guys on here told me they think they’re lesbians. That story is good enough to make me think someone has inside info! 🙂

  2. tosmarttobegop

    Pond long ago I did a lot of what I call writing parlor tricks, which is where I write something from a prospective that my own life or experiences should not give me insight to.

    Like what it is like to be a little girl, or in some cases a space alien looking at human beings.
    Part of it is simply looking at the situation from how I would react or in the mindset of what it would be like.

    Something’s are truly gender neutral or in this case sexual preference neutral.
    Of course the hard part is not being a female in the mix of attraction.

    In a sense I had some background research, the internet gives a manner of frankness that is not always allowed from in face to face. You can ask a question or have a discussion that is not one you could when setting across the table from someone.

    I have female on-line friends who happen to consider themselves Bi-Sexual.
    And we have discussed that aspect of the who’s and whys.
    For them it is kind of like the Mounds ad, no pun intended by “some times you feel like a nut and some times you don’t!”.

    Men and women make love differently even when it comes to the same sex.
    And it depends on what they feel like having as to who they want to be with.

    And yes something’s you have said in the past have given insight.
    When it comes to understanding what it is like to be female many times all a male has to do is listen.
    Some of the insight as to what it is like to be a teenaged girl with developing breasts and how boys react.
    Comes from my wife who for many girls her age thought it would be a blessing but for her it was more a curse. She was 38 D by thirteen.

    The chance grab or the tenderness of the breasts she had suffered, it did not help that her mother often made the dress for the girls. And she used snaps as the fasteners, imagine being fourteen and having large breasts with the front of your dress being a line of snaps?

    It was common for her to be walking through a crowded hallway when suddenly someone would grab one side of the dress and pull! She was given the nic-name of “Snap dragon”.
    Sadly it became a game and it would often be the girls who played it!
    Exposing her bra for the world to see and perhaps out of jealousy.

    Thank you I was kind of wondering what you would think of it and had thought of sending it to you from an opinion. Right now it set at eight pages, reviewing it and rewriting is still going on and not sure if it is for the most part finished.

    I tried to address the aspects of the experience, even the one concerning religious react and thought.
    Mary Ann being from more or less a medium sized Mid-Western town where church is a real part of life.
    On that I drew from my experiences being around fundies a lot when I was younger.

    Sex happens and more then most would admit to, not always limited to even the sociality acceptable.

    But in the name of being unrighteous and prudent it is never acknowledged as it ever happening.
    LOL Some of the most horny and open to it girls I have ever met were Fundamental Christians!
    Some times it was their idea and I would be “Whoa what the heck is happening here?”.

    Oddly it generally is the boys who are more sexually oppressed in their desires.

    Some actually frighten by even the thought of sex.

  3. tosmarttobegop

    Ok no I had never thought I might be gay or Bi, as to the fright through a understanding of the sudden fear of be attracted to someone of the same sex does occur for everyone at one time or another.
    Though it maybe only once and so frightening that it is never mentioned or again thought about.

    That is something that few would ever admit to and might even object to that suggestion that it could happen.

  4. prairie pond

    TSTB, I never meant to imply you had any same sex attraction. I just wondered who you were talking with to give that kind of insight. I think you answered that well.

    Your story captures a lot of things very well. I guess sometimes I think my experiences as a teen and later were so isolating that they were unique, when in fact, they were shared by people straight, gay, and bi.

    There was so much I didnt know when I was young. I didnt even have a word for what I was feeling. And I knew how low I would be treated if I ever admitted it. It’s no coincidence that gay teens have significantly higher rates of suicide and attempted suicide than straight kids. I knew what was said about others who were under suspicion. How cruel other people can be.

    I guess that’s why I so desperately wanted to believe it is a choice. It isnt. I wanted to will it away. I couldnt.

    And as hard as it would have been on me and on my family had I been honest, I see now that denying was even harder, and had worse consequences. I couldnt have imagined worse consequences than being known as a queer in a small town in the ’70’s. But trust me, there are worse things. Like wasting the best years of one’s life by living a lie.

    I wish I had known. I wish I could have spoken with someone who understood, and who could tell me there was nothing wrong with me, except that I was just different.

    It’s all in the past now. All that is left is to live with the damage and to try and make the best of the remaining years.

    • Freebird1971

      Seems to me from what I have read and been told you are doing a pretty damn good job of living your life

  5. prairie pond

    Thanks Free.

    I like to think I’m the queen of words 🙂

    But I have no words to describe the profound loneliness of being gay in western Kansas.

    I question every day how long I should stay here. Give up my farm? Or give up any hope of not being so lonely?

    hell of a choice

    • tosmarttobegop

      I would imagine it is tough and perhaps harder with the underlying knowledge that you are not.
      There would be many there who are the same but living in fear of being found out.

      As has been pointed out more then once, some of the most outspoken anti gays are actually having gay tendencies. It can be a bit funny though of some who are thought to be or accused of being Gay who are not.
      while those no one suspects are truly openly gay!

      And it does not always turn out to be a damnation, here in this little town one of the Police officers is gay.
      It is no secret, he has never tried to hide it just not make it a point of contention or interest.
      If asked he would tell you he is but he does not go around saying it he is a Police man first and Gay off duty.

      It is a bit odd, the list is too long to sight how this town can be absurdly Religious Right.
      LOL I caught Hell when I was going around saying I was either going to open a Christian X rated movie exchange. Or a Lesbian transvestite cross dressing shop… You know Dikes that like to dress like women!
      OMG I was damn to Hell and back again so I could be damned there again!

  6. tosmarttobegop

    Shortly after we got cable, grandma and I were watching the Ellen Degenerus show.

    The sit-com and it was the one where she announced on the loud speaker that she is a Lesbian.

    My grandma turned to me and asked what that was?

    I Looked at her as if that was the stupidest question I had ever heard, then realized she was not kidding!

    So here was a 16 years old explaining to the 78 years old what a Lesbian is.

    She let it sink in for a few seconds then finally said:

    “I knew that there were girls who preferred the company of other girls instead of boys…. I just never knew there was a name for it!”.

    Pond if you asked me to explain why people of the opposite sex feel an attraction and the instinctual logic of it. I do not think I actually could in many respect it is not really logical.
    In some respect it more like a cat and a dog being in love and sharing a common bond.

    They do not see the world the same way or need the same things out of the relationship.

    In a sense same sex love makes more sense.
    Being gay is not a choice no more then being heterosexual is.
    No one sets down when they are a preteen and decide that.

    Sadly that is often a time when the concern comes up. Same sex experimentation often occurs around the time.

    But it more simply because no one lets the opposite sexes have a sleep over in the same room without supervision.

    For the most part that is all it is, but it can cause the young person to worry and question their sexuality.
    Add to that as you pointed to the social react to the very subject of homosexually and it can lead to dire outcomes. A boy or girl thinking that because they had sexual experiences with the same sex means they are truly Gay or Lesbian.

    One of my friends actually made the statement that any woman that said they never kissed another girl is not being truthful. I don’t know as with boys not every boy has engaged in sexual experimentation with another boy.

    LOL now some farm boys have tried carnal knowledge with farm animals…. Boy the story one guy told me! It was beyond embarrassing certainly more embarrassing then the noises coming from the bathroom and the Sears catalog found on the floor open to the bra and panties ads!
    “DAMN IT JENNY MOVE FORWARD!!!!”.

    The point being though that there is a difference that only comes from deep thought and reasoning.

    Being Gay is not simply about who you are having sex with or should I say “choosing to”.