GOD Explains Things to Fred Phelps on Judgement Day

This is a scenario from the near future when Fred Phelps dies and meets his maker.  As in turns out, on that fateful day, St. Peter has some well deserved time off and it is up to GOD HIMSELF to mind the Heaven Shop when Fred arrives.

GOD:  WELL, GREETINGS REVEREND PHELPS, I’VE BEEN WAITING  FOR THIS FINE DAY. [As you will note, God talks loudly and in all capital letters.]

Phelps:  God, I am glad to be here after a long life of doing your work on earth…

GOD:  ACTUALLY, I’VE BEEN WANTING TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT “YOUR WORK”.  YOU SEE, FRED, YOU AND I HAVE A FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCE OF OPINION ABOUT “YOUR WORK.”  I SEE “YOUR WORK” AS HARASSING MEMBERS OF MY FLOCK DUE TO YOUR EXCESSIVE HATE AND MISPLACED SENSE OF PURPOSE.

A REVIEW FOR YOU FRED:  I AM GOD.  I AM PERFECT.  I MADE ALL OF MAN & WOMANKIND IN MY IMAGE.  THIS WILL COME AS A SURPRISE FOR YOU, FRED, BUT I’VE HAD HOMOEROTIC FEELINGS AND BECAUSE OF THAT I DEDICATED PART OF MY CREATION TO EXPRESSING THESE FEELINGS IN THE RAINBOW PORTION OF MY WORK.  I KNOW YOU ARE AN ATTORNEY IN ADDITION TO BEING A MINISTER,  BUT, FRED,  YOU ARE NOT QUALIFIED TO JUDGE MY PERFECT CREATIONS.

AND WHILE I’M ON THIS RANT, FRED, YOU HAVE MADE ME ANGRIER THAN I’VE BEEN IN A WHILE,  MAYBE SINCE EVEN MY OLD TESTAMENT DAYS, BECAUSE IT HAS REALLY PISSED ME OFF THAT YOU HAVE TRIED TO PASS OFF YOUR PATHETIC HATE AS MY DICTATES.  I NEITHER NEED, NOR WANT, PEOPLE LIKE YOU SPEAKING FOR ME – GOT IT?

FRED, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,  I’VE LOOKED FORWARD TO SENDING YOU TO HELL FOR SOME TIME NOW – ACTUALLY JUST A FEW MINUTES ON MY TIME SCALE – BUT, I’VE BEEN EAGER, NONE-THE-LESS.

BUT NOW, I’VE HAD SECOND THOUGHTS, FRED.  MAYBE I SHOULD SEND YOU BACK TO EARTH TO HELP YOU SAVE YOUR OFFSPRING, SURELY YOU DON’T WANT TO SPEND AN ETERNITY IN HELL WITH YOUR DAUGHTER, SHIRLEY.  WHAT DO YOU SAY FRED?

Phelps:  I’d hate to admit I was wrong, and I am sure I would just try to justify my mistakes and not really do as you have asked.

GOD:  I WAS AFRAID YOU’D SAY THAT FRED.  YOU SORT OF REMIND ME OF MY OTHER SLIGHTLY IMPERFECT CREATION, A FELLOW NAMED DICK CHENEY.  I WAS DISTRACTED AND HAD MY MIND ON OTHER THINGS THE DAYS I MADE YOU AND HIM…  BUT I’M STILL MOSTLY PERFECT AND WHO ELSE CAN CLAIM THAT, I ASK YA?

I APPRECIATE YOUR HONESTY, FRED.  BUT I GUESS IT IS TIME TO SEND YOU TO HELL.  THAT EXPERIENCE WON’T BE MUCH OF A CHANGE FOR YOU, NOW THAT I’VE REVIEWED YOUR EXISTENCE.  BUT AT LEAST I’LL BE DOING A SERVICE BY PROTECTING OTHERS FROM YOUR VERSION OF DOING MY WORK.

BE GONE!

Fred descends into hell.

God gets a call from hell.

SATAN:  Hey, GOD, what did I do to deserve Fred???

No answer to that question is provided; after all Satan is in hell to be punished, too.

Iggy Donnelly

26 Comments

Filed under Cheney, Creativity, Kansas, Kansas History, Life Lessons, Marriage Equality, Original writings

26 responses to “GOD Explains Things to Fred Phelps on Judgement Day

  1. frigginloon

    Ahahahahah, well put Iggy…he’s one friggin evil skank. What a dark hole his soul must be. Urgh, it makes me angry thinking about him. I have been on his website twice…once when he posted something despicable about the Victorian Bushfire Victims and secondly when Natasha Richardson died. AND what a friggin bunch of hypocrites….check out the family history and the infidelities amongst them. Now I am all fired up! 🙂

  2. jammer5

    Another version:

    God: YOU KNOW FRED, I GAVE MAN FREE WILL. I ALSO GAVE HIM THE MEANS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN RIGHT AND WRONG. YOU CHOSE YOUR PATH, AND THAT PATH LEADS DOWN. SEE YA . . . NOT.

  3. tosmarttobegop

    Once in a while karma can throw something that blows your mind and leaves you with a question that you just know would be an interesting answer. Through one of our common friends I learned that Fred Phelps was one of the Lawyers in Brown V B.O.E. On the side of Brown!

    That landmark ruling that opened up education to minorities and ended “separate but equal”.
    And Phelps was a major player on the side of equal rights, far and away from his present day being.
    So how could that happen? What caused such a dynamic and bizarre change?

    He had lived long enough and been at it so long that it would not seem it could be a brain tumor.
    Our friend has asked him but even then the answer he got did not explain it enough for an understanding.

  4. tosmarttobegop

    You might have a point there Loon, it can make me wonder what would be so bad with the end of the world? Not the best example of the human race…..

  5. tosmarttobegop

    LOL now of course there could be a game to play. Which one of the crowd on the blog that shall not be name could be Fred Phelps? J.J.?

  6. iggydonnelly

    Sounds like another contest. All of them over there are using terms like “queer”, etc.; funding help for minority businesses is “racist”, etc. This type of thing has gotten noticeably worse over time.

    I’ve always wondered what Phillip would say about his creation if he were able to be honest.

  7. wicked

    Iggy,

    Do you think their hate over there is gaining momentum with others, or do you think most people on the right are more moderate and turned off by that type of talk?

  8. iggydonnelly

    On Fred, one of the things that bothered me when I was looking in google for some images for this thread, were these photos of young kids, clearly pre-schoolers, wearing “God hates fags.com” T-shirts. I was reminded of those photos of young children dressed in KKK uniforms.

    It is very disturbing that those folks would do that to their kids.

    A friend of mine is from Topeka and he claims that Fred would have his children going out every night after school and asking for donations for his ministry. Each kid had a quota of funds they had to meet before they were allowed to come home.

  9. iggydonnelly

    This thread gives me the chance to re-tell one of my favorite daughter stories.

    We went to see Obama when he was in El Dorado, KS – I got both kids out of school for the event. We were not able to get in due to the long line. As we were leaving we drove past the Phelps family, sans Fred, who were protesting on a corner.

    Shirley Phelps came running up to our car, her eyes were bulging, veins were showing on the sides of her neck, she was screaming at my back seat – yelling the word “Brat!” Spittle was spraying from her mouth. I swear I thought the wicked-witch-of-the-west-look-alike was going to have a stroke.

    As I turned the corner, I turned to my daughter and asked “[Daughter’s name]? What was the matter with Shirley?”

    My daughter says, “Oh, I don’t know…. I just flipped her off.”

    One of those moments of being proud as a parent…

    • Love that story! I share in your pride. 😉

    • tosmarttobegop

      YES!!!! I do know about those moments. We were called to the middle school for a meeting. It seems my oldest had hacked into the school’s computer and by passed the passwords that limited the content a sudent could view. If they could not reset the passwords it was going to cost us five hundred dollars to correct it.

      Now there was a part of me that was really upset with him. BUT there was also a part of me that could not have been prouder! Smart boy he is!!!!

  10. wicked

    Each kid had a quota of funds they had to meet before they were allowed to come home.

    They sold candy bars. It’s all in Addicted to Hate. The physical abuse the kids endured at their father’s hand, along with the abuse of his wife. That’s the type of God they believe in, too.

    • iggydonnelly

      I’ll have to read that. Thanks for linking it.

      I think of photographing your kids in those T-shirts as being abusive, too. I have thought before that laws protecting parental rights are too strong in this country. One of those socialist views I have…

  11. iggydonnelly

    “Do you think their hate over there is gaining momentum with others, or do you think most people on the right are more moderate and turned off by that type of talk?”

    I am probably being dense in terms of understanding your question, but I think the vast majority of posters over there represent the far right wing of the opposition party. I mean they are the type of folk who would applaud the RNC vote to rename the democrats the “Democrat Socialist Party”. In other words, not nearly normal people. I do believe that the GOP can lose enough moderates so that all they will have left will be voters like those posting over there.

    Though few might believe me, I do have a sense of regret about the above.

  12. wicked

    Speaking of the treatment of kids, I have a question.

    I don’t know the whole story of the fight across the street was about, but I think the boys are brothers. No shirts, pants about to fall off, and they were fighting. Both are thin, one over a foot taller than the other. There wasn’t much “fighting” going on, just some punches here and there. And then the smaller one went in the house. He reappeared, coming around from the back with a butcher knife in his hand and went after his brother with it. Twice, and then lost the knife, which one of the 5 adults watching all this grabbed.

    Kids will fight. But parents and other adults standing to watch as it goes on? And people wonder about all the violence. We watched this from my daughter’s bedroom window. There’d be mention of a gun (and we know somebody there has one), and I thought of calling the police. But then I know nothing would come of it, so why bother?

    So is this good parenting?

    • iggydonnelly

      I think the answer to that question would be “no!”

      If I witnessed this, I think I would turn them in. It goes towards an accumulation of complaints. Eventually the cops get tired of them and elect to do something about them.

      I work with cops in my job, and most of them would prefer to spend their shift riding around in their cars without interacting with the public. If I had their job, I’d feel the same way. If they are bugged enough, though, they will eventually act.

      • wicked

        The cops have been there before. I don’t know who has made the calls in the past, so I kind of assumed someone would call. I tend to mind my own business, mainly because I don’t want paybacks. The neighborhood just gets worse as time goes by. I’d move, but it’s not a good time to do that. Not to mention that I HATE moving.

        But I will take your advice in the future. The kids are bad enough, but the adults? I’m sure if I did something like that, SRS would be at my door in seconds.

  13. wicked

    Oh, iggy, is that little boy you? Reminds me of my grandson. Same little quirky half-smile. 🙂

  14. iggydonnelly

    I did switch my Avi to a 2nd grade photo, but I am not able to see it. It was 1961, JFK was in the White House and all was right with the world. Well, nearly so – I remember reading the newspaper about the Cuban Missile Crisis – but that wasn’t until 1962.

    Wonder why I can’t see the change?

    • Did you make the change at WordPress? I can’t imagine why you can’t see it. I saw it first at another blog we both visited and thought maybe (somehow, someway) you were using one for visiting and another for home. Then today here was that cute 2nd grader right here at home!

  15. I’ll tell you how absolutely adorable you were in 2nd grade since you can’t see it! I see the man you are today in that little guy too! When Sekan changed his there was some lag time before it showed up everywhere (or something, I don’t remember the details).

  16. wicked

    Well, now. I’m obviously older than iggy… LOL

    Not by much though. 😉

  17. I can see it on the page where you can edit your posts, but not here. That’s interesting.

  18. I had been looking through my old photos and I found one where I was a pre-schooler going to church. Something had struck me as funny because I was LMAO, or so it appeared. I could not believe how much my mother looked like my sister at a similar age (or vice versa).

    My son looked a lot like me. Genes are good things, I guess.