This is a scenario from the near future when Fred Phelps dies and meets his maker. As in turns out, on that fateful day, St. Peter has some well deserved time off and it is up to GOD HIMSELF to mind the Heaven Shop when Fred arrives.
GOD: WELL, GREETINGS REVEREND PHELPS, I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS FINE DAY. [As you will note, God talks loudly and in all capital letters.]
Phelps: God, I am glad to be here after a long life of doing your work on earth…
GOD: ACTUALLY, I’VE BEEN WANTING TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT “YOUR WORK”. YOU SEE, FRED, YOU AND I HAVE A FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCE OF OPINION ABOUT “YOUR WORK.” I SEE “YOUR WORK” AS HARASSING MEMBERS OF MY FLOCK DUE TO YOUR EXCESSIVE HATE AND MISPLACED SENSE OF PURPOSE.
A REVIEW FOR YOU FRED: I AM GOD. I AM PERFECT. I MADE ALL OF MAN & WOMANKIND IN MY IMAGE. THIS WILL COME AS A SURPRISE FOR YOU, FRED, BUT I’VE HAD HOMOEROTIC FEELINGS AND BECAUSE OF THAT I DEDICATED PART OF MY CREATION TO EXPRESSING THESE FEELINGS IN THE RAINBOW PORTION OF MY WORK. I KNOW YOU ARE AN ATTORNEY IN ADDITION TO BEING A MINISTER, BUT, FRED, YOU ARE NOT QUALIFIED TO JUDGE MY PERFECT CREATIONS.
AND WHILE I’M ON THIS RANT, FRED, YOU HAVE MADE ME ANGRIER THAN I’VE BEEN IN A WHILE, MAYBE SINCE EVEN MY OLD TESTAMENT DAYS, BECAUSE IT HAS REALLY PISSED ME OFF THAT YOU HAVE TRIED TO PASS OFF YOUR PATHETIC HATE AS MY DICTATES. I NEITHER NEED, NOR WANT, PEOPLE LIKE YOU SPEAKING FOR ME – GOT IT?
FRED, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I’VE LOOKED FORWARD TO SENDING YOU TO HELL FOR SOME TIME NOW – ACTUALLY JUST A FEW MINUTES ON MY TIME SCALE – BUT, I’VE BEEN EAGER, NONE-THE-LESS.
BUT NOW, I’VE HAD SECOND THOUGHTS, FRED. MAYBE I SHOULD SEND YOU BACK TO EARTH TO HELP YOU SAVE YOUR OFFSPRING, SURELY YOU DON’T WANT TO SPEND AN ETERNITY IN HELL WITH YOUR DAUGHTER, SHIRLEY. WHAT DO YOU SAY FRED?
Phelps: I’d hate to admit I was wrong, and I am sure I would just try to justify my mistakes and not really do as you have asked.
GOD: I WAS AFRAID YOU’D SAY THAT FRED. YOU SORT OF REMIND ME OF MY OTHER SLIGHTLY IMPERFECT CREATION, A FELLOW NAMED DICK CHENEY. I WAS DISTRACTED AND HAD MY MIND ON OTHER THINGS THE DAYS I MADE YOU AND HIM… BUT I’M STILL MOSTLY PERFECT AND WHO ELSE CAN CLAIM THAT, I ASK YA?
I APPRECIATE YOUR HONESTY, FRED. BUT I GUESS IT IS TIME TO SEND YOU TO HELL. THAT EXPERIENCE WON’T BE MUCH OF A CHANGE FOR YOU, NOW THAT I’VE REVIEWED YOUR EXISTENCE. BUT AT LEAST I’LL BE DOING A SERVICE BY PROTECTING OTHERS FROM YOUR VERSION OF DOING MY WORK.
Fred descends into hell.
God gets a call from hell.
SATAN: Hey, GOD, what did I do to deserve Fred???
No answer to that question is provided; after all Satan is in hell to be punished, too.