Small town living and the opportunities it gives my sense of humor.

Small towns no matter where they are seem to live by a simple motto: If the truth is not bad enough then make up a good lie! I have now lived in three what would be called “small towns,” two in Kansas and one in Oklahoma. All seem to live by the motto one way or another.  The first, Sterling, a small town whose biggest claim to fame is the Christian College located there. Sterling, where West Sterling road is on the East Side of town, so of course East Sterling road is on the West Side.

It was rumored that there is a nudists camp somewhere to the South of town. Where exactly it is seems unknown, as you will get at least five different directions from five different people. As to how this rumor got started is a real question. But I think it started when a female co-ed at the Christian College finally admitted her top-less sunbathing somewhere on the Arkansas River South of the town! But then that would not be worth a continued telling a nudist camp would be.

Sterling was my first exposure to the know all people of a small town. I knew very few people in town but one day learned that many knew of me. We had three cats, a white one, a black one and a black and white one. After not seeing our black and white one for a few days, I went door to door asking if they had seen it.  Two blocks to the South I knocked on an elderly lady’s door and told her I was looking for one of my cats.  Before I could even say where I lived, she started in, “Oh which one?  The black one, the white one or the black and white one?”  Before I could answer she went on, “Oh you are Greg and Debbie’s brother-in-law and your wife is Debbie’s sister and you work at the college and your wife works at the laundry in Lyons.  You moved here from Wichita and use to work at the Ark manufacturing and….”

I stood there dumbfounded! I knew very little of my neighbors and only knew such details about close friends. The CIA could take lessons from small town people about gathering information!

The next was Rush Springs, OK.   Here, armed with my foreknowledge of small town living, I thought I was prepared.  But it was there that I saw almost on a daily basis the living example of the Motto.  All it took for you to be having a full blow affair was to be seen talking to anyone of the opposite sex.  A rumor flowed around town like the waters of a dam breaking, the chief of Police was screwing around on his wife with Miss Alturas (funny how no matter if a woman was married or not they were always “Miss”).

And what evidence was there that this affair was going on, I asked the chief one day?   Miss Alturas is a seventy-five year old woman who is hard of hearing and half blind but still drove herself everywhere.  She ran the four way stop sign in the center of town and almost caused a collision. He fell in behind her and with red lights and siren going, followed her nearly five miles outside of town before she stopped.  She had not noticed him behind her till then. Her wrote her a ticket and told her that she would have to pass a test before she could continue to drive. But somewhere because they were seen talking there must have been sex involved!

One night a young couple was horsing around with the girl riding on the back of her boyfriend. She fell off and landed on some broken glass and cut her forearm. They came to the Police department and I dressed the wound and told the boyfriend she needed to go to the E.R. as she might need stitches. After they left I turned to a fellow officer and said that within an hour the story would involve a deadly weapon and the girl dying! Sure enough, an hour later I encountered an outraged citizen.  She was upset I had not arrested Mike after he had taken a chain saw and cut off Stacie’s arm in the parking lot of the gas station!

It was a no win situation for me.  Because I seldom was seen talking to women some of the town’s people thought I was Gay. While those who had seen me talking to women in the role of a Police officer had me getting all kinds of sexual acts committed on me in public. When ever an outraged citizen brought up the subject my response was always the same, “Gee I wish someone had waked me up!  I must have been asleep and it sounds like I was having a good time.”

Sometimes it would be the woman themselves that was spreading the rumors. It got back to me that this one woman was going around town saying she had sex with every cop in town, including me. One night I saw her in a parking lot talking with her friends. I stopped and told her I had heard that we had sex. I then informed her no offense but if the end came and she, a man and myself was the only humans left, I would turn Gay! The rumor suddenly stopped about her and I having sex.

The day my wife and I was going to the next town to the South we came across a Cessna 150 that had made a forced landing on highway 81. There was already several law enforcement there so they did not need my help. As we drove off I said hide and watch by the time I go on duty tonight it would have been a 747 forced down by the FBI, It will have been full of drugs and Terrorists!  Within the hour of going on duty I was approached and asked if I had heard about the 747 the FBI shot down with a RPG and forced to land on 81 that was full of drugs? OK I was off by the terrorist!

Augusta KS is the third, and the one where the religious ridicules are in full power! Out of no where the churches somehow got the idea that the local schools were going to start teaching Native American religious practices. The school board meeting started being over ran by Christians and there were four petitions flowing around through the churches. All this was news to the school board members and to the school administration. My sense of humor kicked in and I took every opportunity to say something about my kids still needing a loincloth and the stone scarifying knife. I asked everyone if they knew where I could find them?

But the best to my mind and the one that always got the most reactions was the adult business rumor.

When the Kwik-shop closed somewhere the rumor started that either a Wichita based porn shop or an escort service wanted to open up in the building. The level of outrage surpasses the facts or truth about the subject.  I loved stating I was in support of “Adult Businesses” after the lectures and condemnations I would suffer, I smiled, and said because I do not think that children have the sensibilities to run a business.

The next was even better! When the subject was brought up I would say I am thinking of opening an adult orientated business. Either a Christian X rate video exchange or a Transvestite-transgender-Lesbian store.  You know, one that is for Lesbians who think they are really men trapped in a woman’s body but like to dress like a woman! I do not think that Kansas has one of those stores? I would get a berating and damned to Hell.  All the time the self righteous and holier then thou would dance around like a flea on a hot surface. Until they stopped and really thought about it then accuse me of trying to be funny! Yeah I was busted!

But it also means I have adapted well to living in a small town.



Filed under Life Lessons

23 responses to “Small town living and the opportunities it gives my sense of humor.

  1. Yes the world is still flat to some small towners.
    I would not live anywhere else though.

  2. tosmarttobegop

    Yeah when Obama talked about clinging to their Guns and God I knew and thought of many people I had met in small towns.

  3. 30+ years ago there were a couple of small town cops that used to buy weed from me. I guess one was a deputy sheriff.
    That’s a whole ‘nother story…..

    • jammer5

      Smoked weed with a couple of Colorado cops eons ago. Up in the mountains camping. They smelled it and decided to party with us.

      • iggydonnelly

        I’ve heard the rumor that cops and Kansas Highway Patrol dudes have the best herb. Don’t know about that personally because I try to stay away from my LE brethren. I come from a long line of petty thieves and it is in my DNA by now.

  4. I’ve never lived in a small town, but my Grandma did. I have an aunt only two years older than me and when we visited Grandma in that small Oklahoma town my aunt and I could always find ways to escape the relatives so we could go explore the town, find mischief (spell that ‘boys’ as we got older)… Grandma always found out exactly where we had been and most of what mischief we had found!

    Wichita must be a small town if people clinging to God and guns is an indication! I think all of Kansas qualifies there. Truthfully, Kansas doesn’t have any cities that could be considered large — maybe Kansas City but only because of the town of the same name on the other side of the river in Missouri.

  5. lilacluvr

    Here’s a question – how many churches are usually in these small towns?

    I grew up in a small town south of Chicago, IL. This town had two churches and they were bitter rivals. Between these two dens of wagging tongues, nothing was sacred.

    • tosmarttobegop

      The town in Oklahoma, population was 1,300 and there were seven churches.
      All were what would be called Christian or at least named in the “Christian denominations“.
      The most powerful was the Assembly of God I use to refer to them as the “Ass of God“.
      Because they generally acted like asses, followed by the Southern Baptist.

      The town had a law against dancing within the city limits and with my Don Quota senses I tried to find a chance to change someone under that law. It would have brought attention to it and hopefully bring the town to within the 21 century.

      Oddly with so many Christian churches, I was given a warning when I first joined the Police department.
      “If you see a glow in the woods stay away from it, it will either be the Klan or the Occult and neither will want you around!”. The Klan was not that much of a surprise as until a couple of years before I moved there. They still had their “Sun down” sign at the edge of town. But for the Occult to have such a strong
      And open presents there within a “Church going crowd “ seemed odd to me.

  6. frigginloon

    Oh crap I think it was me who spread the rumor about the nudist camp…my bad?

  7. I’m so glad we get to blog with you, Loon! Whether visiting at your place or you’re visiting us, we have fun. 😉

    • frigginloon

      Yep, Fnord it was the best mistake you ever did 🙂 . You are fast gaining cult status in friggin loon land. I am not sure if they are coming to read the stories or comments. LOL.

  8. frigginloon

    I was born in a small town. How ironic….I have been known to tell a few tall tales 🙂 . LOL, I love small town rumor mills….passes the time I guess.

    • tosmarttobegop

      I grew up in what is the second largest city in Kansas but yes it is really lively the small town rumor mill.
      Small town people are big fans of soap operas only they tend to write their own plots in small towns.
      I did discover there was a different between small town people in Kansas and in Oklahoma.
      Kansans tend to be more covert gather information without directly asking about you. When you find out how detailed and knowledgeable they become you want to check your house for listening devices!

      Oklahomans gather information by being overly friendly, they will see you at a store and talk with you like you two have known each other for twenty years. But it is the first time you have met and all the time the townie is making mental notes and filing information for future references.

      The rumors about me in OKLA, would surprise and amaze me! I had quit the largest Sheriff’s department in Kansas to take a job with a small town Police department. The main rumor as to why was I am a wanted felony in Kansas and had came to Oklahoma to hide out…. BY becoming a Police officer?

      I was either Gay or having sex with every woman on a certain street that was the high crime area of Rush.
      My wife was really a man but my blondish kids were actually Black? Again if the truth is not bad enough you make up a good lie!

  9. jammer5

    I was born and raised in the Los Angeles area, Venice to be exact. Many of the blocks in the town were like small towns in their makeup. The lady across the street “Took a shower every night!” She had to be weird because she skated for the Hollywood All Stars! The Adam’s daughter was sent away (preggers, don’tchaknow!); can’t have that known throughout the neighborhood.

    I lived in Lindsborg, KS for awhile. A Swedish town for those who don’t know. My name is Swedish, and the er at the end makes me a member of the House of Commons (really); royalty, if you will. I can’t tell you how many people questioned my heritage, insisting the er was put there by immigration.

    I also had a gf there prior to moving there. I forgot her number, so went to the wagon wheel, a nice restaurant on the outskirts of town, to both eat and get her number. I asked for a phone book, and was asked who I was trying to call. I told them, and they questioned me for fifteen minutes before I got the number. She was of a family who helped build the town decades ago, and they protect their own. Strange town.

  10. frigginloon

    Hey, has anyone been to that strange little town in Mid America whose only claim to fame is that friggin Christmas tree on the hillside? I think it was made from glow in the dark rocks (it could be seen from the moon or at least from an airplane!). I stopped to have a little gander after spying a little arts and craft shop open. All they wanted to do was sell me a postcard of the friggin Christmas tree glowing on the side of the mountain. I virtually had to beat them away with sticks, they were obsessed with this tree. I still laugh.

  11. frigginloon

    Psst Prairie P&P’s is that Mike W…one of them? He’s quite scary….I hope he doesn’t find my comment here…he might shoot. Do you think he might go away if we give him a bone. I vote Jammers…he knows Chuck! See ya…..

  12. NudistClub

    There actually IS a nudist club southeast of Sterling ! It is called Sandy Lane and it’s 26 miles from Sterling. I lived in two of the towns you lived in and I found the people to be great. I’m a nudist and never have experienced any of the problems you describe. Me thinks you enjoy creating controversy 🙂

    Wichita, Sterling, Augusta, Salina, MacPherson, Hutchinson are all great communities in their own right. I left because I didn’t see long term opportunities. I then lived in Omaha, Chicago, Boca Raton, and now Atlanta. I do still enjoy going back to Kansas now and then to get reacquainted with people that put down roots and STAY. I also enjoy leaving again 🙂

    • tosmarttobegop

      Well you seem to know more then I learned from living there. It was always a mystery to me.
      Everyone had heard of the nudist camp and believed it was there but no one seems to know exactly where it was. LOL I am more a closet nudist, love to nude sunbath but not in the open if that makes sense?
      I am not really making fun as much pointing out the difference I discovered. Small towns are more focused on private lives then larger town tends to be. But for those that have not or would never be a nudist.
      It is not a sexual thing, it’s not about being seen nude if that is what you would think. I imagine you would agree.

      You do not find many on a larger town’s block who know that much about each other. But every block does have at least one person that is like a small town person and they’re gathering of knowledge. Just two days ago I learned that my blocks gather had died six months ago. She would set at her front window with a pair of binoculars ( ah no it was not because of the mention above LOL). I seldom saw her out and only when she would fall off her porch.

  13. Welcome, Nudist!

    You don’t say where you are now, but feel free to come back and visit ‘electroncially’ with this bunch of prairie p & p’s! We started out a small group of friends from Kansas, and we’re growing! Gives us the opportunity to see new and different perspectives, which we welcome.

    At least someone is out there who knows both the damning and the redeeming sides of Kansans (we have both, like most everyone else!). Have you noticed that what makes the news usually isn’t what makes us most proud!? 😉

    • frigginloon

      “Have you noticed that what makes the news usually isn’t what makes us most proud!?”

      Ahhahahahahah Fnord….that’s my fault too 🙂 ! Welcome Nudist. Hmm, so do you have webcam ahahhaahhaha 🙂 ! Come on I am kidding…and curious!

  14. Well, Loon, when we stop laughing at ourselves we’ve probably lost something we need. 😉

  15. frigginloon

    Morning Fnord, I couldn’t imagine a day without a chuckle or a smile. This is why I love my drive-by here, someone always brings a smile to the face.

  16. tosmarttobegop

    When we moved back from OKLA there was no thought of moving back to Wichita. We both like small town living. In some respects Sterling is an artist haven and it would not be a surprise that there would be a nudist camp close. Even though the college there is a Christian college there really is a liberal arts feeling to the place. A lot of home gardens and artistic people there. But Nudist is right that each town has its only flavor to it that makes it special.