Being raised as a strict Catholic in Venice, California, had both its good and bad points. The Good were limited to drinking the alter wine (and replacing it with water :-)) as a thirteen year old alter boy. I’m sure there were more, but remembering them can be difficult when one has senior moments (or, hell, maybe there really aren’t any more).
The Bad, on the other hand, were many. For instance, my sex education consisted of mom finding my nudie mag, telling my dad, and my dad whipping my butt and telling me to never read them again. And, of course, I followed that to a “T” . . . wink!
There was also the time I had to light our in-floor gas heaters’ pilot light, and having it blow up in my face. I think I yelled, “Geeezzzzz”, but my parents heard, “Jesus.” Oops: bad boy. Instead of asking me if I was alright, (my eyebrows were singed and eyelashes gone) I got yelled at for using the Lords name in vain. A much worse crime than getting burnt, donchaknow. Being the good Catholic boy I was, I muttered curses at the pilot light under my breath.
Then there was the time the Archbishop of the Diocese of Los Angeles said mass at our humble church, and I was an alter boy during said mass. During his sermon, he asked both Buddy, my bff, and myself questions about the Catholic faith. One such question was: Can you use after shave to baptize someone? Not knowing the content of after shave, as I didn’t shave yet, I said “Yes.” He proceeded to chastise me for answering wrong, as evidently after shave contains no water, and water containing liquids are the only thing one can use to baptize someone. I started to say, “So, I baptize thee in the name of the Father, the Son and the Aqua Vulva wont work?”, but instead held my breath and took it like a good Catholic alter boy. To this day I have an unnatural fear someone will try to baptize me using after shave, and I was baptized decades ago.
More ramblings to follow at later dates, times and/or places.